The Old and the Homeless

You never know when you are going to meet someone special. For me, it happens all the time. Sometimes on the street or at the gas pump or in the automotive section at Walmart. I especially attract the old and the homeless. I like to think I have an old soul and that is why the old men like me, but I'm pretty sure it's much less complicated than that. My southern upbringing makes it difficult for me to ignore them, I don't want to be rude, and my sense of humor is warped enough to find it entertaining.

Sometimes it crosses the line. Like the old married man, who started stalking me and thought I would find it sweet to receive one card every day, for 5 days. Sadly, the post office wasn't on his schedule so they delivered them all at the same time.... oops. Or the homeless man who sat on a bench beside me one sunny afternoon, staring at my feet. He told me my feet looked good enough to eat. I seriously wondered if maybe he was some sort of starving homeless cannibal until he started talking about the art of pleasing a woman. You see, he was a masseuse back in the day and said most men don't know how to properly please a woman, but if they would read a simple book about massage they would learn. He then asked me for $6 so he could go down to the mission and take a shower. 

 

 

There was one Saturday morning when I had thrown on what is not my norm, a not-cute t-shirt and jeans. The t-shirt was from the FBI Academy so it had a little bit of a redeeming quality. I went to Walmart to have the oil changed in my car and while I was waiting I was approached by a man. He was probably in his early 60's, wearing sweat pants with a t-shirt tucked in and white tennis shoes which he had cut the toes out of. He weighed close to 400 pounds and his feet needed room to spill out. I was vigilantly texting, knowing if I was distracted by my phone I would be less of a target, but he walked up behind me and whispered in my ear, "Are you undercover?" I had to smile. Although the FBI Acedemy insigna was a small patch, it was on my chest so I couldn't be too surprised that he tried to read it. I told him yes, I was in fact undecover, I thought the t-shirt would throw people off. He then thanked me for not walking away, that a lot of women do that (the homeless man said the SAME thing) and then said, "Do you know whats great about you?"  and I reply with a no so he started to stumble on his words as he says, "Your smile. I mean your teeth. Um, your mouth... you have a pretty mouth." My car was ready at this point so I gathered my things and swore never to have my oil changed at Walmart again.

Picked Up at the Pump

As a single girl in the city I hear quite a few lines. As a southern belle I am some how obligated to be gracious. Sometimes they are obnoxious and other times they are flattering, but they are always entertaining. One of my very favorite lines happened while I was at a gas station.

I had just gotten out of my car when this kid, who was easily 18 years old, said, "Hey!! You're too pretty to be pumping your own gas" (gold) I laugh and then he says,"Do you want me to do that for you?" Never one to pass up the opportunity to let someone else pump my gas I tell him to go for it. As he is pumping my gas he says, "So, what year did you graduate?", which I know would only be asked by someone who was just out of high school. I kind of felt bad for the kid now, but I was also flattered. Who doesn't love being told they look younger (in this case MUCH younger) than they really are?  My response: "Really?" to which he replies, "Yeah" with just little too much enthusiasm. I almost don't want to tell him at this point, but I laugh and say NINETEEN NINETY SEVEN...  I lost him at nineteen I'm sure. The look of disappointment and embarrassment that flashed across his face was priceless. He managed to stutter, "Well, uh, your really pretty?" which was definitely more of a question than a statement of fact. He wasn't too sure if it was true now that I was so OLD. He finished pumping my gas, told me to have a nice day and walked back with his head hung low, full of shame, to his friend's truck who had been watching and waiting for him to score.

The lesson learned that day? It's always a good idea to practice the art of the pick up line, but it's even better to find a target audience of a suitable age.